


Accelerated Heart

by LoversComet



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Crossover Pairings, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memories, OTP Feels, Sad Eric Cartman, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:08:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21385846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoversComet/pseuds/LoversComet
Summary: You want to protect the one you love most. The only person you love, you want to keep your real species away from him. You want him safe. You don't want to hurt him. Not again. But you can't stop yourself.You can't dispose someone to your own satisfaction if he was already what you were longing for.It would've been easier to just kill everyone. Everyone but him. But... you can't.Not again.
Relationships: Eric Cartman/Spike (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Dawn

Cartman's P.O.V.

The atmosphere around me was dead. The silence surrounding me made me feel mentally paralyzed, as my mind became incapable of any coherent thought. My head was only filled with incoherent thoughts, my brain practically screaming at me with somewhat confusing demands, which required patience and control, two things I do not have.

The anger that was boiling inside me was surrounding my already pounding heart, causing me to bite the inside of my swollen cheek, my fangs tasting the blood instantly when it came. I kept my fury under a unbreakable mask, knowing if I didn't, all hell would rise. I would not put my boyfriend through that. He's been through so much already; the least I could do was to keep him calm. Feeling his soft, warm hands grasp my hard, cold ones emphasized his nervousness, causing me to bite the inside of my cheek harder.

Trying to reassure him them that everything was alright, I locked our fingers together, brushing my thumb on the back of his claw, whispering words of comfort to him, to which he responds by placing his head on my shoulder. 

Giving him a smile, I placed my other hand on his waist, which made him tense, then relax all at once. I brushed my thumb there, causing a soft, but quiet moan to erupt from him, his claw grasping my hand tighter. I felt myself smile harder, until I felt an angry gaze that was burning at the back of my neck. Stupid fucking Jew who can't mind his own fucking business.

Making sure I kept my rage hidden, I turned around and gave him a small but effective scowl. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," I retorted angrily, trying my best to keep my anger under control.

That comment must've made him angrier than before cause his light green eyes flashed in fury, his scowl deepening, which made me smirk mentally. 

Although part of me knew he was angry for a good reason, the other part of me didn't really care. If Kyle was so petty to use our hatred for each other to come in contact with our relationship, then he's as self-centered as I remembered him being. 

"Well maybe if you weren't such a selfish, controlling asshole-"

"Shut up and mind your own business you fucking Jew!" I immediately interrupted him, letting my anger go, but not far enough for me to hurt the red-headed pest. That's all he is to me. A fucking pest. 

"Wow, that's so childish of you. Insulting me instead of focusing on the problem at hand. Then again, I shouldn't be so surprised," he retorted, rolling his forest green eyes, mumbling other stuff vaguely.

I growled slightly before storming out of the cafeteria, entirely enraged at the whole situation.

I could feel the anxiousness going through my boyfriend's head, his scattered breathing stuck in his throat, his body twitching towards the situation itself.


	2. Flowers

_Breathing heavily, he clenched his eyes tightly as the sensation began to slowly fade away. His breaths came in shallow pants, one hand wiping his mouth, one hand going through his brown hair. His right hand then slowly went from his hair to his chest, feeling his previously racing heart dying down._

_With a relaxed sigh, he finally opened his eyes, licking his lips slowly at the warm taste of blood. His bloody red eyes shot open at the taste, the texture, the warmth... It was magnificent..._

_He growled possessively at the taste, the blood swirling in his mouth making him hum and moan all at once. 'Delicious...' He thought darkly as he placed both of his hands on the hardwood castle floors. It was filled with blood._

_He began to cackle, licking his fingers of the blood that's now on his hands. "Still warm..." He noted softly, a smirk slowly growing onto his features._

_Suddenly, he heard something in between a moan and a whimper. "E-Eric..."_

_Then... It all came flooding back to him. He remember his cries, he remember his protests, the way he thrashed around, pleading him to stop. He remember how he tried to get him to calm down, and he didn't listen. He remember it all._

_Weak, breathy gasps caught his attention once more, his gaze now on the figure a few feet away from him. More blood was flowing from his body and onto the floor. It was shocking how much he could bleed. Almost his entire body was covered with either scratches, scars, or bruises. His eyes were half open, tears streaming down his cheeks. His breathing was low and soft, but with his keen ears, he can hear every hitch in his voice, every whimper. His arms were wrapped around his stomach tightly, his legs by his chest. Noticing two bite marks on his neck and the rest of his figure, his red eyes began to slowly turn yellow again._

_'NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!'_

_Cartman began to clumsily make his way towards him, keen ears catching the intense speed in his heart and breathing. He kept sliding a bit, and the amount of blood and his panicking didn't make it any easier. He heard the creature whimper even more, the sight of him trying to slide backwards broke his heart._

_"N-No more Eric..." He heard him whimper. He stopped trying to move away from him, his legs giving out on him. "Please..."_

_Cartman felt like the air was knocked out of his lungs. Tears were now behind his eyes as he grew closer towards him, the creature's shaking visibly getting more rapid. He crouched down towards his body, but he tried to move away from him. He couldn't, however, so he just whimpered weakly._

_"N-No more... Please..." He repeated softly, more tears streaming down his chubby cheeks and onto the floor._

_"Oh, baby... I-I'm sorry," Cartman whispered tearfully, looking him over once more. "I am so sorry..."_

_Cartman raised his hand, his fingertips making contact with bloody, shriveled, red hair. He felt a flinch against his hand, a weak but soft groan escaping him. He felt even more tears behind his eyes, but he bit his lip to keep them from falling._

_The vampire traveled his hand from his hair to his cheek, using his thumb to caress it gently. He felt him flinch once more, his whimpers getting louder. His gray vampire ears twitched at the sound, his fangs biting his bottom lip even harder._

_"Spike, baby... You're going to be okay..." Cartman whispered in his ear, feeling him twitch once more._

_Spike shivered when Cartman's warm breath hit his ear, but he tried his best to nod. The dragon felt the vampire change his positions slowly, Cartman's brilliant golden eyes locking with his blurry green ones._

_"I love you so much, babe. You know that, don't you?" He asked his partner, his eyes filled with guilt, scanning Spike's face slowly._

_Spike continued to whimper as he tried his best to keep his eyes open. He gave the vampire another weak nod, more tears escaping him. Cartman frowned at this. 'I fucking hate myself...'_

_"You know I would never do anything to purposely hurt you, right?" Cartman asked him softly, his eyes scanning the scars and bruises on the dragon's body._

_Spike began to sniffle, nodding again. But, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. He gasped roughly as he clenched his eyes tightly, turning his head away from Cartman._

_"No, no baby. I need you to look at me," the brunette mumbled to him in a soft whisper, placing his hand on the back of Spike's head._

_He felt the drake went still towards his touch, giving him the perfect opportunity to turn his head back towards him. Even more tears began to travel down his cheeks. Cartman shushed him softly, placing his stubby fingers below his eyelids to wipe his tears away. He cupped the redhead's face gently, the rest of his fingers resting behind his head._

_The vampire was finally met with emerald green eyes. Spike's breathing slowed down a bit, he noticed, but he knew his partner wasn't getting any better. He knew he was still panicking if the loud pounding of his rapidly beating heart weren't any indication. He noticed a small but noticeable blush hitting Spike's cheeks; mostly from frustration._

_He continued to brush Spike's tears away, trying to keep calm and focus on his boyfriend's waves. He tried to become aware of the change of emotion to the change of movements. As he began to scan him internally, he began to travel his hands downward to Spike's hair again, running and brushing his fingers through the back of his hair. He knew Spike loved it when he brushed his hair, even if he couldn't use a brush at the moment._

_Spike relaxed instantly when he felt Cartman's soft and gentle hands roaming through his hair. The action didn't stop the acceleration in his heart, but his breathing began to slow down a little. Only a little._

_The older teen, of course, noticed this, but this observation didn't make him feel less guilty. His frown twitched slightly as he began to brush Spike's bangs away from his teary eyes. Cartman noticed how red and puffy they were now; he defiantly missed his beautiful green eyes. He let out a shaky breath, his unshed tears finally making it down his pale face._

_"I didn't mean to do this... I didn't mean to do any of this," he told Spike gently._

_His cold hands began to touch Spike's bruises gently as he felt two bloody claws cling onto his right bicep. He saw Spike moving closer to him as best as he could considering his condition. He felt the drake's head on his chest, the emotions in his waves not calming down in the slightest._

_"I know_."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cartman growled angrily as he made his way through the hallway. His hands were bawled up into fists, his vampire claws clenching into his skin. His eyes were changing from yellow to red to red to yellow over and over again. He wanted to keep calm. He needed to. But he couldn't when Kahl was being a fucking Kahl. It's not like he didn't expect the Jew to freak out or become judgemental of his relationship with Spike. Fuck, he would've been appalled if Kyle was completely cool with it. But, it's been a fucking year. He could've at least TRIED to put their rivalry away from his relationship with Spike. That's what he's been trying to do.

He knew he was not perfect. Not in the slightest. He's rude, he's loud, he's insane. But, he's been trying. For Spike. Throughout this entire year, everything he's ever done, was for Spike. He was the only creature in the universe that he would do anything for. There was no one else he knew he could trust to give his heart out to. No one but him.

His vampire ears began to twitch at the sound of footsteps, his keen senses picking up who was in his presence instantly. He groaned in exaggeration when he found out that it was Kyle walking behind him. 'Speak of the devil,' he thought bitterly as he turned around to face the furious red head.

"What?" Cartman snapped, his canines showing a bit.

Kyle, not imitated nor surprised by Cartman's behavior, rolled his eyes. "Spike is in a terrible state now because of you," he growled.

Kyle knew that he, too, took part of the argument, and he didn't like it when Spike was upset, but Cartman was a fucking sociopath. He's been around him since he was in Preschool; unfortunately he might add, and he knew that Cartman was a possessive, controlling asshole. Thanks to him storming out of the cafeteria, Spike has been extremely frantic. It took him, Stan, and Kenny a few minutes to actually calm him down.

Hearing this, Cartman felt like he had been shot in the heart, but, he was also getting even more angry. 'BECAUSE OF ME!?!?'

Cartman growled once more, stepping even closer towards the other teenager. "Well you shouldn't have been staring at me you fucking Jew!"

Kyle growled. His arms were crossed over his chest, rolling his eyes once more. "I wasn't staring at you, Fatass!"

"Yes you were! What?! Are you in love with me or something?!"

A small laugh escaped the ginger. "Me? In love with you?! Yeah, right. Keep dreaming, asshole!"

"I'm already dreaming, Kahl. I'm with the best guy I could ever ask for. And, if you were staring at Spike, then I gotta say... Sorry Kahl. He's taken," Cartman chuckled madly, a smirk spreading against his lips slowly.

Kyle screamed in frustration, his cheeks turning red in anger. He clenched his gloved hands tightly, his arms now beside him.

"ARGH!!! You're fucking terrible! What does Spike even see in you?!" 

Cartman would've been hurt by that statement if it held any weight to it. He's heard that from, the red head specifically, over a million times.

"Jesus, Kahl! I know being on your period makes you even more upset than usual, but damn! That really hurts!" He exclaimed, clearly feigning hurt.

A loud, frustrated growl escaped the other boy, which, of course, made the brunette laugh loudly in that famous laugh of his. He stopped, however, when his back was suddenly against the wall. Kyle held him by his leather jacket, his face only a few inches away from his.

"God dammit, Jew! What is it that, " I am taken " do you not understand?" He joked as his smirk grew bigger.

Ignoring the comment, Kyle's frown turn into a small scowl. "Just come to the cafeteria, and don't do anything to upset him more than you already have," he instructed.

The red head knew that, even with Cartman dating Spike, the chubby teen would never change. He will always be the same, and he had to learn that the hard way.

Ignoring the hurt that sneaked it's way into his heart, Cartman groaned. "I didn't upset him you Jew rat!"

"Whatever," Kyle mumbled before letting him go and walking away angrily.

Rolling his eyes, he followed him back into the cafeteria, his attention immediately away from the hundreds of students and onto his boyfriend. He swore his heart stopped when he saw Spike's head down on the table. He knew that this was a sign of the dragon shutting down, becoming unnaturally quiet and hidden. His food was even untouched. Well, the shit the lunch ladies put together and call it food.

As he watched the state his boyfriend was in with his own eyes, he saw Kyle give him one tiny glare before walking over towards Spike, Kenny, and Stan. Cartman, however, didn't even take Kyle's obvious anger to heart. This was more important than some know-it-all, red headed pest having sand in his vagina again. Sighing softly, he walked over towards the table, sitting down by Spike.

Cartman immediately noticed Stan and Kenny staring at him. Kyle's eyes were downcast as he was eating his food. He could tell that he was still angry, but he didn't care.

"What?" Cartman growled.

Kenny rolled his eyes playfully, chuckling. "Dude, what's wrong with you? Did you get hit by a car or something?"

"Funny you should say that. It looks like you always get hit by cars you broke piece of shit."

Stan's expression, as always, showed to be a bit worried. Even as a fucking high schooler, he hates any kind of confrontation.

The blonde, however, didn't seem effected by it. He laughed a bit, holding his hands out in serenader jokingly. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't go all Hulk on me," Kenny chuckled.

"Dude, why did you leave? It took us forever to calm Spike down," Stan said, curious.

"None of your business," he responded vaguely, obviously annoyed. He then began to run his hands through Spike's ruby red hair. "How long has he been like this?" He then asked, obviously concerned for his boyfriend.

"About five minutes," Stan mumbled, his brown eyes now staring at his food that was probably uncooked.

Cartman nodded, but he didn't say anything. He just continued to run his hand through his hair, feeling the red head shift a bit. After a few seconds, Spike began to raise up slowly. He opened his eyes, seeing Cartman staring right back at him in concern. He lowered his gaze from beautiful golden eyes to his feet that was now swinging back and fourth underneath the table.

"Sorry for freaking out and leaving, babe... Are you feeling a little better now?" Cartman asked him, still completely worried.

Spike nodded, but his expression said otherwise. Cartman knew that his boyfriend wasn't telling him the truth, and, he would've called him out on it, but he could tell that he was still restless, and he didn't want to talk. He wasn't upset about this, of course. He has been through so much shit in his life, and he wanted to make him feel more comfortable with him.

Cartman then began to smile a bit at a memory that just popped into his head as he began to run his fingers through Spike's hair once more.

"You remember that rose I gave you? At prom night?" He asked him.

He chuckled internally at Spike's immediate blush and his sideways nod. He continued to play with his hair, ignoring the other teens across from him and his lover.

"I gave you that specific flower... because you remind me so much of them. And, not because of your hair. It's because of your personality: Beautiful, interesting, passionate, innocent, magnificent... Before I met you, I wouldn't even go near a rose. But they fit your complexion so well. The best flower out there, though, that I'll choose over anything, is you."

Spike's gaze then slowly made his way towards Cartman's, his face incredibly red. He smiled a bit, tears of joy and sadness behind his eyes. Two arms were wrapped around the brunette's neck, tears soaking his jacket a bit. He sighed in content as he embraced the dragon back, one hand rubbing his back and one hand going through his hair.

Kenny couldn't help but "awe" at the sight in front of him. Stan didn't really acknowledge them all that much. He was happy that Cartman got Spike to feel a little better, though. Kyle, however, didn't like the scene at all. Cartman was a manipulative douche that needs to burn in Hell. No matter how much he tried, even if he wanted to, he couldn't really see him anything more than that. He just didn't want Cartman to hurt ANOTHER person ever again. Spike, no less.

Cartman knew Kyle was glaring at them, but, he didn't even care anymore at this point. As long as he has Spike, his flower, he would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! 2,675 words! Holy shit! So, uh... Sorry for the late chapter, guys! Writer's block, school, Depression, family problems, etc has been kicking my ass as always, XD. I hope you guys like it!! And yes, I know the memory in the beginning was depressing, and the memory Cartman was thinking about was... y'know, not depressing,(XD), but, that was irony! Ah, yes! Years of shipping these two with millions of head cannons and AUs! Speaking of memories... 
> 
> I SQUEALED WHEN I WROTE ABOUT THE CARTPIKE PROM DATE!
> 
> I know it was brief, and, I will have a memory of that soon of course, but, y'know, they're my OTP and I created them so, hmfgfgffg!!! Anywho, see ya'll in the next chapter!


	3. Trust

** _Cartman's_ ** ** _P.O_ ** ** _.V_ ** ** _._ **

_Sounds of the light but powerful wind whimpering reached my eardrums gracefully as I walked outside of the school. Along with the wind that seemed to be whining were brown and red leaves. They flew past me slowly, and I couldn't help but smile at a specific thought that popped into my head. _

_Red and brown are such beautifully contrasting colors. _

_Never in the entirety of my immortality_ _ did I expect to be this open minded, to care about these sort of things. And I never would've if I wasn't in a relationship with my boyfriend of two weeks now. Just like our hair colors, our personalities were like butting heads with each other: vulgar, rude, confident, loud, insane; sweet, shy, unbiased, speculative, beautiful... _

_We were everything the other wasn't, yet, we still had some similarities there, even if our situations weren't compatible. I couldn't help but chuckle a bit at that thought. Why is it taking me this long to realise how much we bring out the best in each other? I mean, sure, we've only been together for two weeks, but, this isn't the first time I've been in a relationship with someone. _

_My vampire ears jerked once at a sudden sound of someone in... distress? Knitting my eyebrows together, I concentrated on the sound, realizing that I was close to the person _ _that caught my attention._

_As soon as I reached my short destination, I gawked at who my senses decided to pick up: Spike._

_He was sitting on a bench, his arms folded on top of his knees. His previously beautiful, emerald, green eyes were now red, puffy, and swollen. His gaze were on his slowly swinging feet_ _; _ _I_ _ could tell he was in deep thought._ _ He was wearing a light violet hoodie, and said hood was covering his elegantly, flowing red hair._

I_ knew why my senses didn't pick up who the specific person that was feeling distress; I haven't been close to him long enough. __Sighing softly, I walked towards the bench, leaning against it._

_He didn't notice me, I assumed. He didn't look at my direction, make a sound, shift, anything. I knew I wasn't really good at comforting people, but, I had a companion now; I need to start learning. Sighing softly, I shifted my gaze upwards._

_"Room for one more?" I asked him calmly, completely aware on how _ _clichéd_ _ that greeting was._

_He raised his head slightly, his gaze finally meeting mine. Our eyes locked for a moment before he nodded slowly, sliding leftward so I can sit down with him. I got the message instantly as I slid down next to him on the bench._

_The silence surrounding us was irritating me, and I didn't know why. I get that he was upset, but he need to tell me what's wrong. I sighed once more, placing my hand on his knee gently. Somewhere in the back of my mind told me that this was some _ _weakass_ _ attempt at comfort, but at the same time, he needed to know that I do care... that I am trying. _

_"Are you ready to tell me what's wrong?" I asked him softly, noticing that he didn't respond to my touch. _

_That was okay. I knew Spike was having a difficult time getting use to this as much as I was._

_He nodded again, sniffling a bit. I knew he was trying to stop himself from crying in front of me, and I didn't know why._

_"I-I just miss her..." He stuttered tearfully, his voice cracking a bit._

_I couldn't help the sudden anger that burned in my chest, my blood boiling. _ ** _SHE!?!?! _ ** _Who the FUCK was this she?! Whoever this was, if she tried anything so help me I'll-_

_A soft sob interrupted my mini rant, my anger subsiding as soon as it came. This. This is what I need to work on. My anger. My possessive nature. My mind was so clouded, so fucked up, that I forgot that he was never in a relationship. He never had any romantic feelings for anyone, but me. And, I knew he would never cheat on me. He was far too loyal for that. I need to remember, to understand, that I'm in a relationship now; that I will not treat him the same way I treated Heidi. _

_I released his knee as I frowned. "Who do you miss..?" I asked him, scanning his expression._

_"Twilight. My mother," he told me quietly, his gaze leaving mine._

_Ohhhh_ _... Then, I listened to his statement a second time._

_Oh. _

_"She's been gone for a few months, and I still miss her so much," he _ _croaked out in slight monotone._

_I couldn't help but narrow my eyebrows a bit. I wasn't angry, believe me, I'm working on that, but that didn't mean I wasn't upset. While it does explain why he was a lot more frantic than usual, even before we started dating, it didn't explain why he didn't tell me. I couldn't help but grit my teeth. _

_"A few months?! Why didn't you tell me?!" I exclaimed, confused, yet hurt. _

_But, no matter how hurt I felt, I regretted what I said instantly. _

_'That's the first thing you blurt out when your boyfriend tells you his mother is dead you insensitive asshole?' I thought to myself bitterly. _

_He shrieked_ _ in a high pitched voice, cowering a bit. He clenched his eyes tightly, moving away from me slightly. _

_A frown made it's way upon my features at this. _ _'_ _Shit.'_

_"I-I didn't have the strength to tell you... I didn't know how. I-I'm so sorry, Eric, I knew I _ _should've-_ _"_

_He stopped his rant when my hand made contact with his chin. His face went crimson at my touch, his eyes opening a bit. _

_"Don't apologize, Love. I shouldn't have been so insensitive," I told him, his blush growing a lot more. Probably due to me calling him "love", I mused. _

_I began to bite the inside of my cheek, rubbing my thumb on his chin softly. He responded by leaning into my touch, his eyes opening completely._

_"But, why didn't you tell me about this? All those times__ when you were grieving, I could've comforted you," I told him in the most softest voice I could muster; even though my skills in comforting people were shit._ _His eyes traveled downward before meeting mine again._

_"I didn't know how you'd react... I didn't know how much you'll care about my feelings," he whispered regretfully._

_Damn. Did I make him feel like this? I wouldn't be surprised if I did._

_What I needed to realize, however, was trust. No matter how much we loved each other now, there was so much more to a relationship than an extreme attraction towards one another. Even I knew that. No matter how much he would deny it, I knew he didn't trust me enough to tell me something as important as this. _ _I didn't even fully trust him, or, fuck, myself, to pour my heart and emotions towards him. Even if they weren't overbearing._

_"We've only been dating for two weeks, love. It's fine if we don't fully trust each other now. But, we'll learn together," I told him with a small smile, his growing blush hitting his cheeks _ _once_ _ more at the pet name._

_He nodded at my statement as I moved my hand from his chin to give him some room. He gave me a sad smile, shifting a bit so he was now completely on the bench, legs crossed. _

_Silence surrounded us again, but I didn't mind all that much; it was a comforting silence. But, that didn't mean I didn't want him to talk to me some more. I wanted to break the ice, but I didn't know what _ _to_ _ ask, what to say. My first thought was to ask him how she died, but even I knew that telling someone how a loved one died was harder than telling someone that said love one was dead. _

_Even more so that_ _ the only person they had was me. _

_I decided to go with a much easier question. Well, easier than the one I had earlier. _

_"Well, who have you been living with?" I asked him in curiosity, biting back any vile comments that came into my mind, and into the back of my throat._

_He shrugged a little, pursing his lips. "At Kenny's," he answered simply._

_I couldn't help the snort that escaped me. Chuckling loudly, I rolled my eyes. _

_"Kenny?! That broke piece of shit?!_ _" I exclaimed jokingly, laughing even more. I knew I had to _ _keep my jokes _ _PG_ _ around him, and Kenny was more tolerable than the Jew, but I couldn't help it. "Why live with him, and eat cereal for _ _dinner_ _, _ _when you can live with me, and eat cereal for breakfast?" I _ _snickered, smirking widely._

_His eyes widened, mouth agape. He was either shocked about my statement about Kenny, or that I _ _suggested_ _ he'd lived with me. I couldn't tell._

_"_ _L-Live_ _ with you?_ _" He stuttered nervously, his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. "Aren't we going a little too fast, Eric?"_

_Ah, so it was my suggestion. I'm actually kind of relieved _ _that it wasn't my very hilarious joke about Kenny._

_I chuckled at him softly, rolling my eyes once more. "You need somewhere to live, love. Why not live with me?" _

_His eyes danced around in thought. "I do live somewhere. It's better than living nowhere," he muttered as another blush_ _ appeared on his cheeks slowly. _

_Another chuckle escaped me. "It's Kenny_ _. Living nowhere is better than living with him."_

_Spike narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, but he didn't say anything. What?! It was true! _

_I gave in, though, sniggering as I replaced my smirk with a gentle smile, something only he gets to see. "Sorry," I apologized to him sheepishly._

_My love gave me that stunningly cute smile of his, his chuckle sending butterflies in my stomach. "It's okay," He reassured in a calm tone as he started to unfold his arms._

_I began to hum lightly, using my hands to remove the hood away from his head. "You don't have to move in with me if you don't want to, love. _ _It's just a suggestion," I reminded him as I began to mess with his hair. _

_His face was incredibly red as soon as my cold hands reached his hair. He nodded slowly as I giggled lightly at his reaction. I pulled him closer towards my chest smoothly, but not too close where he was uncomfortable. _ _He let out a content sigh, my hands never leaving his hair for a second. _

_"I think that sounds nice," he mumbled breathlessly as I began to tie his hair up flawlessly. "_ _L-Living_ _ with you, I mean," he added._

_"_ _Perfect," I whispered lovingly in his ear, feeling him tense a little. I sat backwards from his backside, turning him around some to look at how I made his hair. I wasn't content with it so I took it down, messing with it again._

_"Why did you choose to live with Kenny anyway?" I asked him, actually... curious about his answer. Why Kenny of ALL people? I mean, sure, it's better than living with the Jew, but, still!_

_"_ _H-He_ _ told me to live with him... until I was " man enough" to ask you if I could live with you," he responded, clearly embarrassed._

_I groaned in exaggeration. Of course he did._

_"And... I technically didn't," he added with a nervous chuckle._

_I couldn't help but chuckle with him; they were the best sounds in the world. I decided to keep his hair the way it was when I took his hoodie off. The only difference was that it wasn't frizzy from being under it for too long. _ _"Doesn't matter. Still living with me," I laughed._

_"Your mom won't mind.. would she?" _

_"_ _Pfft_ _, no. Trust me, she's_ _ not going to do anything to you," I growled; she better not. _

_Spike didn't say anything, only nodded. After a while, though, he smiled at me. "_ _So... It's official? We're living together now?"_

_I gave him a small nod, pulling him into a warm embrace. Well, at least, I hope it was warm for him. _ _After a few moments, two small arms were wrapped around my neck, a softer chest hitting mine. "Thank you so much. I love you," he whispered._

_"Anything for you, dear. I love you too," I whispered back, holding him tightly against my chest. _

_Anything for him. I will try my best_ _ to do anything and everything for him._

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

With days like this, I wish that Kahl didn't exist.

With days like this, I wish that every passing second wasn't so eventful.

With days like this, I wish that we were the only two people on Earth.

Granted, I can make that happen; just kill everyone, aside from Spike of course. I'm a fucking vampire for God's sake! But... I can't bite a human being to suck their blood without those beautiful, memorizing green eyes piercing into the back of my head.

Every time I attempt to drink someone's blood, my mind would go directly towards my lover screaming, thrashing around, bleeding...

I mostly drink blood from animals now, only because I don't want my lover to suffer the same fate as them. I can't do that to him. Not again.

After lunch, the day went by normally, and yet, I still felt tense. Kahl and I were still, of course, bickering; nothing new. But, with every insult and threat I threw at him, my senses would flare up. I would look beside me and see my love shaking, holding onto me, or just being a lot more quiet than usual. Ever since he told me about the death of his mother, I knew that he'd be a lot more silent and distant. I noticed this even before we started dating, which defiantly isn't creepy at all.

I didn't want him to be distant with me, though. I didn't want him to feel anymore depressed than he already was. But, I already knew that I would yell and shout things my boyfriend shouldn't be dealing with; especially if he's going through a tough time.

If I had to name one flaw I wanted to change about myself, it would be: my pride eating up my actual emotions.

Yep. Not the fact that I was insane or racist or insensitive. My pride was the main source of me being unlikeable. Yep.

"Come on, guys! We haven't been out together, just the five of us, in... well, ever!" Kenny complained, his arms in the air in an animated way to represent how long we haven't hung out together in, well, ever.

Other than bickering with Kahl all day, ever since lunch, Kenny has been trying to get us all to agree to a road trip or some lameass shit like that. Yes, he's been complaining and annoying us for hours to go on a fucking road trip.

"Eh, I don't think that's such a good idea Kenny," Stan said with a frown.

If I know Stan, and believe me, I unfortunately do, he doesn't want to hear any more arguing between me and the Jew. To be fair, I don't really blame him.

"Ugh! You guys are no fun!" Kenny whined. He was visibly pouting, and his arms were crossed. Like he was disappointed with us or something.

"Well, there's no way I'm going anywhere with this manipulative, demented asshole!"

"And there's no way I'm going anywhere with this whiny, Jewish bitch!"

"Oh shit, here we go again," Stan muttered under his breath, his hand ruffling through his straight black hair.

Spike's hand grasped onto mine tightly, his gaze slipping from me to look at the ground as we walked. I bit my lip as I tried to gather up all of my strength to muster a smile, but a weak one. I rubbed circles onto the palm of his hand with my thumb in a comforting matter, and I saw the faint smile that appeared on his lips.

"Aw, don't be like that! This road trip could really do all of us some good!" Aw shit, he's ranting again. God dammit.

As if he was on drugs again or something, Kenny clumsily went beside Stan, wrapping his arm around him. The hippie, (yes, I still think he's a hippie), blushed at the contact, but it was barely visible.

"Stan! You get to go outside of your house! Seriously dude, ever since Wendy broke up with you, you barely got out anymore," he explained. Stan narrowed his eyes at Kenny, but, the broke motherfucker kept talking. "Well, now's your chance! You get to attend Kenny McCormick's road trip with-"

He was now beside Kahl, grinning widely. "-Kyle, who I know would LOVE to experience the great outdoors and make new discoveries! And let's not forget the couple themselves-"

He made his way towards us, his hands going up and down like a fan. "-Spike and Cartman! They will be star gazing, enjoying each other's company, or... something more advanced at Kenny McCormick's road trip!"

Spike blushed at that last statement, but I just groaned. Is he really this committed to this road trip thing?

"So, what do you say? The last day of school, us five, my truck. A one time only deal at Kenny McCormick's-"

"Okay, okay! I'm in," Stan interrupted. _Thank yo_u! If he would've finished that sentence, I knew I would've flipped.

"Come onnnnn! There's only three seats left in the-"

"Okay, okay! We'll go!" Kahl and I said at the same time, glaring at each other; I felt my hand being squeezed even tighter.

Ohhh boy. This was going to be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, jeez! Eric and Kyle are FORCED to go to a road trip set up by Kenny himself! And uh, yes, more drama and angst for the soul! No, the memories are NOT in order, even though, according to the timelines, that is already established! There's a difference between past Cartman and present Cartman, and it's mainly noticeable if you focus on how he speaks and take certain things since this chapter is in his P.O.V.
> 
> I've been meaning to write about the death of Twilight since the beginning of this story, xD. So, yeah, that is why he lives with Cartman, and the reason why she's dead will, of course, come out soon. I AM NOT SPOILING ANYTHING! XD.
> 
> Why was this chapter called "Trust"? Well, in the flashback\memory, as established, this is during their two week relationship. They were at that point were they do very much love each other, but, not at a point where they can trust the other. Trust is there, but, barely. As for the present, Kyle and Cartman has trust issues with each other. (When do they not though? XD)


	4. Hesitance (Part One)

_The approximate amount of time that it should've taken him to move from Kenny's shed of a house from his actual functional home should've been a few minutes, not two hours! At first, he didn't understand. When he was nine, he didn't even seem to recognize how far it took him to get there until his feet made contact with the messy blonde's untidy porch. _

_That's because, in actuality, it didn't. As dense as somebody could possibly get, even as a nine-year-old child, his trajectory of timing was actually correct. It would've taken him thirty minutes to arrive at Kenny's house and thirty more minutes to leave until he reached his own house. If that was the case, then he already should have been at his house. _

_That's... what he thought at first. During his two hour trip to his residence, he just realized that not only was he flying to his house, but he also had a sleeping Spike on his back. In that moment of stupidity, he actually wanted to slap himself for being so unaware for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT. The desire to do so subsided, however, as he knows why it's taking his slow ass to get there. _

_Flying wasn't his strong suit. That, he couldn't deny. Even though flying comes with being a vampire, it wasn't really an ability he relied on as he does with super speed or examining people's waves. It just wasn't something that interested him growing up, and, it still doesn't. He's only doing so to carry his slumbering boyfriend, and he knew how much the drake would've loved to see the night sky from this angle. _

_Even though he was becoming more observant with his boyfriend around, he still wouldn't be as interested in the twilight-like atmosphere as Spike was. Hell, he wasn't even paying attention to it during his flight. His brain was on autopilot, another reason as to why he didn't notice the time spending in front of him._

_Spike, himself, wasn't exactly heavy. In fact, the dragon was still quite small. Others would say that he had the same small, feminine-like waist and stomach he did when he was younger. He wasn't skinny yet, he wasn't chubby either. He was just... small. His golden eyes traveled towards his temporarily unconscious companion, a frown creeping onto his face in concern. _

_'Did he even eat today?'_

_Cartman immediately scoffed at that thought. Probably not. Kenny's family was broke as hell, he realized. There was no way in hell that they had anything close to edible during the time Spike lived with them. That thought immediately crushed him. He was going to make sure he eats as soon as they get home._

_They. Home. _

_Two small, but effective words in the same exact sentence. They were going home. That was four, but... he's sharing his home with the most important person in his life._

_Cartman didn't have had a problem with Kenny, usually, and he was a really good friend, but that didn't mean he would cherish him as much as he cherishes the love of his life on his back. No one could ever come close to the amount of affection he has for Spike. No one._

_Spike's arms, that were wrapped around Cartman's neck, tightened slightly, a low, but existent "oof" escaping the latter. The brunette knew that Spike was still asleep, his waves agreeing with the speed of his slowly purring heartbeat. But, he couldn't tell if he held onto him tighter on impulse, or for comfort. But... it felt nice. That, he can conclude._

_A spark of green was in his vision, and he could only assume that he was at his house. He wanted to scream out "Finally"! at the top of his lungs, but, he didn't. He didn't want to wake Spike up because of his own ignorance, still not letting go of the fact that he was flying around for two hours. _

_Now, here comes the hard part: landing. He groaned internally, trying to concentrate on, not only landing perfectly but keeping his own focus on his love on his back. He clenched his eyes tightly, an unfamiliar fear running into the pit of his stomach immediately._

_Goddammit!_

_Before he could even get any more anxious, or, as he would say, " bitchy", he charged his legs forward out of reflex, a dark violet speed light appearing towards his back as his feet eventually made its way on the concrete._

_His eyes fluttered open as the feeling of being grounded caught up with him. He wanted to ramble on how smooth and AWESOME that was, but, he didn't. Spike was still asleep, alive, so he decided to keep his mini celebration for later._   
_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------_   
_Cartman didn't feel any temperature as soon as he walked in the door. It wasn't hot, cold, or, fuck, even warm. It felt... empty. If that was a temperature, that is. _

_Ironically, the house was actually empty on the inside as well, he noticed, as he instantly found a notebook paper on the couch._

** _As you probably noticed, Eric, I am out for the night. I promise I'll be home when morning comes. Goodnight and stay safe, _ ** ** _Pupsikins_ ** ** _! Love you!_ **

** _~Mom_ **

_Cartman growled, annoyed at the cryptic letter. He loved, well, tolerated, his mother with all his heart. She was actually sweet on the inside, something she apparently doesn't believe if she's whoring around like this. He wasn't an idiot. Well... not a complete idiot. _

_She's not the worst guardian in the world, but she could've AT LEAST mentioned where she was going! Like, how fucking difficult was that?! He literally texted her while he was at school, explaining to his whore of a mom that he's coming with Spike to live with them. _

_Cartman didn't even ask her for permission. He knew she couldn't resist having Spike live with them, and he appreciated that. However, the vampire specifically told her that she needed to be here, as he would be too stressed and hostile to receive these short, obscure, pointless notes that he's seriously getting tired of. But she didn't listen! _

_Cartman growled a little louder, his hands turning into fists in seconds. Was he complaining? Was he a piece of shit? Most definitely, but he didn't need this right now. Spike doesn't need this right now._

_"Fucking bitch, " he mumbled roughly, his eyes turning red._

_Almost immediately, a quiet sigh erupted from Spike, his arms loosening away from his neck. Cartman bit his lip at this, instantly regretting letting that out. The younger of the two didn't seem to hear the _ _older's_ _ comment, however, which he was thankful for. Spike didn't need to hear him whine about his problems, Cartman thought. _

_Now biting his cheek gently, he turned his attention towards his boyfriend. Spike's eyes were lidded in tiredness, a weak smile appearing onto his lips at the sight of his overprotective, but sweet boyfriend. _

_"Welcome back, babe, " Cartman greeted him tenderly with a seemingly forced smile. He tried hiding it, however, by giving him a small, but passionate kiss on top of his head._

_Spike breathed out a lovestruck sigh at the little contact he received from his boyfriend, his head now on Cartman's shoulder._

_"Mm, we're here?" Spike questioned in a whisper, looking around Cartman's living room lazily. _

_"Yeah. I know the flight was quite long, but flying really is a bitch, " he said with a small chuckle._

_Well, that was half true. Flying was a bitch. But that wasn't the only reason that it took so long as established. Apparently, he was a dumbass. But Spike let out an unsurprisingly adorable giggle anyway._

_'Huh. Guess he's not that _ _un_ _comfortable with cursing. Just... insults?' He thought in confusion._

_He honestly didn't know, nor did he understand. To be fair, however, they've only been together for two weeks, still. _

_Cartman didn't want to waste any time to get his boyfriend moved to his house, so during school this morning, he made it known that he was going to move in with him tonight. Then he realized that he had to make sure that Spike was okay with it, so he asked instead of demanded. _

_The drake giggled at his mishap, nodding at him in agreement. He was just glad that he was trying. It was hard for him to actually see if he was, during the two weeks that they had been together, but, at that moment, he knew that he had to be. At least, he thought he would be._

_Cartman rolled his eyes playfully, grinning. "Okay, off you go. I'm fixing you something to eat, " he stated. _

_Okay. That came out harsher than he intended. _

_His eyes widened, biting his cheek in immediate regret. "I-if you want me to, " he added in embarrassment? in hesitation..?_

_Fuck. What was this precious dragon doing to him?_

_Oh, yeah. Feel things. Right._

_Spike frowned in confusion, but he soon got what was going on. Releasing that charming chuckle Cartman secretly adores, Spike jumped off the brunette's back. _

_"No problem. I'm starving, actually. Haven't eaten anything all day, " Spike responded with a nervous chuckle, his cheeks turning crimson. _

_Cartman wanted to respond with a loud, "Knew it", but he... he shouldn't have thought about that at all. This was serious. He needed to treat it as such. So, he took his time gulping down any vulgar things he would've said, watching intently as Spike stood there patiently._

_"Well, " he began, "I do have some leftover pizza from Shakey's, " Cartman suggested._

_Spike nodded at his suggestion quietly, hoping that they wouldn't be as awkward for long. He has never been in a relationship before, but he hopes that these small awkward occurrences would disappear soon._   
_\---------------------------------------------------------------------_   
_Eating restaurant made, pepperoni pizza on a brown medium-sized couch wasn't something people would consider a date. That was something you only do with your friends and family, apparently. And, Cartman would be honest, as a kid, he, Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and, basically every boy in his elementary class would actually do something like this when there's nothing going on in South Park, which was rare. They got on each other's nerves, but, it was still fun, in a way._

_Hell, when he was dating Heidi in fourth grade, their dates didn't consist of pizza and rapid emotions. At least, their earnest ones didn't. But, if he was being honest, they dated each other only out of stress and desperation. If there was something that they can agree on now, it was that._

_Before all of that trolling shit happened, their "relationship", if it could be called that, was simple: Heidi didn't like Cartman, and Cartman didn't like Heidi. It was simple!_

_Heidi cheered in the background with the other students as Wendy whooped Cartman's ass; Cartman purposely annoyed her when they were working on a project together; Heidi even complained when they were partners for said project._

_It should've been simple! It could've been simple! They were in fourth grade for Christ sakes! But, obviously, that wasn't the case when it comes to the residents of South Park._

_Sure, when they were actually together, they enjoyed each other's company, but, if none of that trolling shit had happened, they probably wouldn't be seen together at all. Heidi, as nice as she is, is also known as the most popular girl at school. She still is, actually. If they had anything going on, even if they were just acquaintances, word would've gotten out quickly._

_Cartman groaned internally as he tried to shake all of those thoughts from his head. It didn't matter that they were just eating pizza. They were together and happy! It shouldn't be that hard to comprehend._

_"E-Eric..? Are you okay..?" _

_Golden eyes snapped open at that weak, shaking voice. He tried to get his throat to work, eyebrows knitting in deep thought._

_"I'm fine, babe. Why you ask?" Nailed it!_

_Spike's frown that Cartman just noticed grew deeper. "Because you've been staring at your pizza for two minutes, " Spike answered shyly, his eyes moving down to the other teen's uneaten pizza slice. It was his third one, and he didn't even feel like finishing it, shockingly._

_"Is there something wrong?" Spike asked in concern as he locked his emerald green eyes with Cartman's cold, golden ones._

_Cartman couldn't help but scowl. 'Don't snap, don't snap, don't snap-'_

_"Why the fuck do you want to know?" Fuck!_

_Spike narrowed his eyes, his frown now a small scowl, but it disappeared when Cartman's expression softened a bit. "D-Don't answer that. I was just..." He began, "It's my mom."_

_Again, it wasn't a total lie, but still._

_"Oh, " was all Spike whispered before adding, "What about her? Is she okay?"_

_Cartman's fangs grazed alongside his cheekbones as he tried to come up with a compromise. There was no way in hell that he's telling Spike, his boyfriend, why his mom is always leaving at night most of the time._

_"She's fine. She just works in the nighttime." "Oh, she works alright,' Cartman thought bitterly._

_"Oh. Well, I'm glad she's okay, Eric, " Spike said under his breath with a smile, his gaze on his knees._

_"Yeah. She's a cashier, " Cartman groaned, the silence surrounding them again._

_After a while, though, he looked over at Spike in sympathy, conflicting on whether or not he should bring the subject that ironically got Spike living with him in the first place. He sighed loudly, earning the attention from the drake._

"_What about your mom..? What did she do before she, y'know, died..?" Cartman asked, still conflicting on asking the question, even though he asked it out loud. He shouldn't be conflicting on the subject. He asked the question, he has to deal with what happened next._

_Tears instantly rolled down Spike's cheeks, his gaze going back to his knees. Cartman's mouth was a gap, hesitating on saying anything else. He didn't want to make anything worse. But, that's what he does best, huh?_

_"Y-You don't have to-"_

_"She was a teacher." Oh. _

_He didn't expect that. But, in all honesty, what was he expecting?_

_"That's-"_

_"She was the best damn teacher in my hometown. At least, to me she was..."_

_What was going on? Cartman stared blankly at him, his voice and brain failing to comprehend what was happening._

_"She was courageous, brilliant, kind... She was everything I wanted to be. I looked up to her for guidance and love. And she did the same. Well, look down more like it, heh, " Spike continued dryly, his claws grasping his knees tightly._

_Cartman continued to stare, not knowing what Spike was going to say next. _

_"M-My worst fear was losing her. She was my clutch. My best friend. My mom. Sh-she meant everything to me. But, my worse fear came true. Her violet eyes staring deadly into mine, her fur turning gray... It made sense. I looked inside her body in the hospital, and... it made sense. It made so much fucking sense. She was dying... of cancer."_

_Spike's eyes burned the feeling of more tears falling from his face. He didn't know why, but he was getting angry. "That's how she died! She's dead! She's really fucking dead!" He cried out finding immediate comfort in the nape of a shocked Cartman's neck._  
_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------_  
Graduating was something everyone looked forward to when they become seniors. The day itself isn't what sparks people's excitement about graduating. Sure, students like Kyle and Wendy love receiving praise, awards, and certificates for all the hard work they put into everything they've done as they should. Most students just look forward to graduating so they can actually have an appropriate excuse to get out of the hell that is school. Especially the students of South Park High.

The colorful blurs of students were filled with relieved yelling and cursing. It was finally here. It was finally here! No school! Forever, this time. Who wouldn't be excited? Even Kyle and Wendy, in a way, were excited.

Fire was soon seen flowing across the ground, presumably a match setting it off. This, of course, got Spike to yelp cowardly, backing away from the flames.

Craig, Clyde, and Token were seen throwing books, papers, and even their backpacks into the flames. Craig, of course, began to notice the fearful dragon just a few feet from them, raising his gaze from his work as his friends continued.

Knowing what he was looking for, Craig tilted his head towards the back of the school, signaling that the others are already ready for this fucking road trip Kenny apparently told the whole god damn school about.

Spike gave him a nervous smile in thanks, rushing over towards the back of the school clumsily.

Craig rolled his eyes at Spike's awkwardness, but, he was confused as to why he was acting so... normal, now. He was seeing some of the positive traits that summed up his friend quite nicely, as he hasn't been acting like himself due to the death of his mother and his growing depression. Was he actually excited about that fucking road trip Kenny never fucking stopped talking about?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part will be uploaded soon!


	5. Backwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who's been reading this story, rather since it came out or sometime afterward, knows that it's uncommon for me, Comet, to have an Author's Note before the actual chapter instead of the end of it. Hopefully, this will be a one-time thing, considering that I just have only one thing to say: The memories and flashbacks aren't in order of the next one. 
> 
> Yes, they do have connections with each other;(Ex: The flashback in Trust and the first part of Hesitance), but not in order according to the chapters. While I try to make this statement clear with my descriptions, I just don't want people to get confused about when these certain events happened, as the flashback in Flowers doesn't agree with the one in Trust. 
> 
> So, I just want my readers to understand where I'm coming from, but, if any of you have any further questions with any of the current chapters published, don't be shy to ask me! I will be happy, no, THRILLED, to answer them! See you all in the comments! Enjoy the show!

_The intense perception of foreboding continued to bring the brunette further into irritation as he forcefully leads his feet to guide him further into the abyss of rapidly crushing darkness. The feeling of lifelessly floating ahead of the millions of living organisms that actually help populate this dark and isolated forest almost felt... real. It felt that, even for a moment, the previous longing devotion of emptiness surrounding his non-beating heart restored his awareness of feeling lifeless, _ _ **dead, ** _ _as he should be. He felt comfortably light as each of his footsteps became more and more transparent against the grass. _

_Surroundings became a lot more inconsistent, unimportant, vague. He wasn't alive. He knew that he wasn't. He doesn't feel anything. He couldn't. It wasn't in his nature to do so, rather if he was a vampire or not, he mused with an internal smirk. He _ _ **doesn't** _ _ feel anything! _

_Right? Right!_

_The moment of invisibility vanished as he felt the ground beneath his feet, pathetically, useless lungs weighing down his desire and ability to glide gracefully into nothingness. His breath hitched quietly, non-visible lungs bringing him a lot more pain than relief. The strength placed into the unneeded organs made his head spin in frustration, and it was painful, to say the least. The pain made him groan under his breath softly in discomfort, the pounding that was going through his head and skull becoming almost unbearable, and... _

_No... No. _ _ **NO! ** _ _He was NOT giving up that easily! He was NOT going to give in to the satisfaction of public stability. He was not going to give in to the state of distress and daylight and sentiments and visibility and passion and defectiveness and..._

_A-And..._

_Fuck. He really was defective, was he?_  
_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_He shouldn't be thinking how frustratingly agonizing the sight was. He _ _ **really** _ _ shouldn't be. It was incredibly selfish, he knew; nothing out of the ordinary for someone as obscene as he was. But, he couldn't help narrowing murderous daggers at the dragon slightly skipping through the disturbingly gloomy forest without a care in the world. At least, that's what he presumed. _

_The rosy flush on the _ _younger's_ _ cheeks was bright, too bright, and in a way that he would even consider _ _ **cute.** _ _ They were definitely not the creepy kind of bright like his dead, yellow eyes. But the skipping... God, it was so annoying. Really, it was. He wrecked his brain for a reasonable answer as to why that was, one that didn't make him appear even more of an uncaring and insensitive psychopath._

_It would be a lot easier to just force himself to just think, believe, that it was annoying because his companion was. It wouldn't have been hard to comprehend, and it was actually believable. Unfortunately for the brunette, though, it was a lot harder to just brush off his confusion and blame it on someone else, a trick he always found himself doing even before it became an addiction to fuel his own ego. Spike was probably too oblivious to notice anyway._

_He just didn't understand. And the worst part was..._

_He actually wanted to. _

_It sucked how much he mentally and emotionally backtracked during their first-month relationship. Their one-month relationship..? God, did they really last this long? They did, obviously, but it's surprising that they have, especially since he was walking backwards from everything he's been telling himself before the weeks even turned into a full month._

_He knew that Spike was an amazing little creature; eager and optimistic in his own awkward and peculiar way, sometimes too lost in his own head and obliviousness to speak up his insecurities. Cartman tried to be considerate of his boyfriend. He tried to be as observant as his lover usually was, knowing that it was the best tactic if he wanted this relationship to work, to last. And he did._

_Tilting his head further, the closer angle of the younger continuing to skip soundlessly in front of him made one of his eyebrows arch. He just didn't understand. Shouldn't he be upset right now? Even though they have been dating for only a month now, Cartman knew a lot more about Spike than he thought he would have. _

_Even before they started to date, or, hell, show interest in each other, Cartman knew something was off about the dragon. Everyone did. While Spike wasn't the most socially equipped person- more or less socially awkward-, it was unlike him to shut himself out from everyone, showing no interest in anything once so ever. It was like his personality did a complete 180, and, at the time, the vampire didn't understand why._

_At this moment, though, Spike was being too... hopeful. Being around him, talking with him, earning his trust, he learned a lot more about him each day. To his adorably little quirks to the traumatizing events of his past, they managed to keep him up at night for very different reasons. He knew how much the death of his mother affected him, how he has the urge to do things for people to remain functional and to obtain likeability. To gain a purpose. All while having that blinding smile and the little pep in his step to match. It was frustrating, it was disgusting..._

_It was pathetic._

_Well, isn't he technically pathetic for thinking this way about his own boyfriend? Fuck, he was tired. _

_He mindlessly stopped his empty strolling, wordlessly placing a pale claw onto the back of Spike's soft shoulder. Everything about this kid was soft and delicate, and he couldn't help but move his hand further down his back at the feel of alive and pulsing flesh between his fingers._

_Spike gasped a bit at the ghost-like contact, feeling his legs stop immediately at the touch. His tail wagged a bit as he slowly brought up his claw backwards to clench onto Cartman's, feeling the vampire doing the same. Before he could even blink, he was turned around rather vigorously, finally locking his minty green eyes with his lover's dangerously bright gold ones. _

_It felt like hours when the two last looked at each other, but, in reality, it's only been like an hour and a half. It was odd, considering that this "forest walk" was supposed to be a date of some sort, planned by Cartman of course. He'd usually come here to think, which always ended him contemplating on being alive or dead when he was alone. If anyone asked, he would straight up lie and say that he didn't cry here. Of course, not with Spike around. He still had SOME pride left. _

_They just stayed like that for a few minutes, neither not knowing what to exactly say. Cartman's expression was unreadable to Spike, his breathing coming in soft pants at the closeness they were sharing. It wasn't like they haven't gotten this close before. It was just so unexpected. _

_Spike's expression, meanwhile, was nowhere near complicated to figure out. Even if he wasn't a bloodsucking vampire, he could still sense the shock and confusion on his face, and it was so fucking adorable that it almost made him forget about his painstakingly long thoughts he had throughout this supposed "date". Almost. _

_Finally getting a less shaking exhale out of his system, Spike finally managed the confidence to muster a small and sheepish smile. Exhaling again, 'smooth Spike, keep it smooth,' he breathed out a shy, "H-Hi..."_

_Cartman couldn't help but smirk at Spike's nervousness. It was kind of ridiculous how adorable this kid can get in the matter of a few minutes. Wasn't he just beating himself upon his unrecognizable existence and ranting on Spike skipping? Wait, no, he forgot, remember? Yes. He just magically forgot. Just like that. Wouldn't that be fucking perfect if he could do that, though?_

_He felt himself move closer to the shorter boy, their chests touching, rough and dangerous hands wrapped around a tiny, glass-like waist. "Hello," he whispered lowly, slowly nuzzling Spike's neck affectionately._

_A little giggle escaped the redhead, the sound pulling at Cartman's heartstrings in the most fantastic way possible. His vampire's ears twitched at the loveable sounds that are Spike's chuckles, but he decided to pull back, giving him a slight peck on his cheek before he did so._

_A distressed sound escaped Spike as the nuzzling died down, but he sighed anyway, letting his head fall back towards Cartman's chest in content. This was actually the first type of moment they had with each other on this so-called "date", and the thought secretly pained the dragon. He knew how complex his unstable boyfriend was. Cartman was always known to be full of surprises, after all. _

_Silence surrounded the two again, save for the rustling of the dark forest. It made the vampire's ears twitch at the countless ruffling of the wind, but that didn't stop him from holding the dragon close. He was still with him, safe, in his arms. _

_'Okay, the term, "safe" is a little much, considering who he's dealing with here,' he thought with a hum. But, they're still happy together, right? That's the only thing that mattered here. _

_Right?_

_Gold and emerald shined together in the darkness as the two locked eyes once again, Cartman's hands faintly disappearing from Spike's waist. Claws silently glazed alongside his hips, luckily leaving bloodless trails of scrapes against them. Spike winced at the feeling, the intention, but he bit his lip to contain any sound from coming out. _

_Hips twitched a bit at the abandonment of Cartman's claws, his much smaller ones reaching out to grasp them again. The brunette let out a breathy laugh at his lover's reactions; they were kind of like drugs: very addictive and easy to cloud your brain. He would be lying if he said he didn't thrive for these types of responses from his boyfriend._

_With the lack of prompting, he pulled Spike even closer towards his chest in one swift motion, the rapidly beating of the dragon's heart making him bite the inside of his cheek with his fangs. That didn't last long as he felt Spike's arms wrapping his neck, his head is buried into his chest even more._

_Humming in delight, he began to wrap his hands around Spike's delicate little waist once more, feeling the little guy sigh roughly as he hid more into his cloaked covered chest. _

_"First moment in a while. Hope we can have more of this tonight, babe," Cartman whispered to him with smirking eyes, placing a small but passionate kiss on the back of his head. _

_Spike chuckled nervously, somewhat apprehensively, at that. It pained him a lot more to hear it out loud. Maybe he should've just made a one-off, awkward remark to get the ball rolling. If he did, they wouldn't be showing their affections to each other just now. Awkward or not, he was known to be the light towards everyone around him. Sure, for half of his life, he only had Twilight as a companion, but that didn't stop him from hearing how much he made his mom's day, never missing a single beat. It always made his tiny heart swell up with pride._

_He missed that feeling. Feeling that he was worth someone's time. Someone's love. _

_That was the best feeling of all. Her love._

_But, he has Cartman now. And he knew the brunette loved him. _

_He knew he did. _

_The way they were slipping from each other's fingers, though, throughout the entirety of their one month anniversary of them being together, it pained him. It terrified him. It suffocated him._

_Fuck, he couldn't breathe. He. Couldn't. Breathe. _

_He wasn't able to predict the exact time he slipped away from Cartman's arms, or when he began crying, but he was. His chest heaved as he felt his tail wrapping around his frozen legs, the shaking growing worse as the terrible and irrational thoughts continued to race through his head._

_His shivering stilled for a moment as he felt a familiar soft and slender hand rubbing circles up and down his back, upwards towards his hair. A satisfied hum broke out from his continuous sobs, his body subconsciously moving towards the vampire's hand. He definitely got better at comforting._

_Cartman was now beside him, claws running through red curls at a slow pace, fangs biting his bottom lip in apprehension. His thoughts began to race as he continued to comfort the broken dragon who began to raise up a little so their eyes would lock. _

_Green eyes were glistening in tears; behind them were walls of absolute pain and suffering. Cartman bit his lip even harder at the sight. He's going to end up killing this kid._

_His ears twitched then stilled at Spike's breathy and embarrassed chuckle, his gaze settled on the dragon using his shoulder to wipe his tears from under his eyes. _

_"Yeah, me too."_

_Cartman blinked, his vampire ears twitching upwards in confusion."What?"_

_"What you said earlier. About wanting more moments tonight. I'd love that too," Spike said simply with a small smile._

_Cartman's eyebrows slowly traveled downward, his frown now more or less a scowl. He said that forever ago, but his boyfriend ended up having a minor emotional breakdown. He tried fighting the urge to get angry, to shout, to swear, anything he would normally do without hesitation to anyone he didn't give a shit about. _

_But he did give a shit about this adorable idiot._

_Pondering for a moment, he settled with rolling his eyes, his claws gripping the grass tightly to stop himself from getting even more selfish and petty. "Took you long enough to answer," he slightly teased, the grass fading into black between his fingers._

_Spike chuckled lightly at that, a small, pink blush hitting his cheeks. His shoulders shook every time that softly pleasant sound escaped his mouth, but Cartman felt an annoying bubbly feeling is his stomach that, for once, he desperately wanted to fuck off. He shouldn't be annoyed with his boyfriend. He shouldn't have this feeling towards him at all. But, he's really going to ignore the fact that he had a breakdown? _

_He clenched his hands around the specs of grass tighter, his claws digging into his palm. Cartman never liked ignoring things he wanted the answers to. He loved Spike, but this trait shouldn't skip over his boyfriend. Deep down, he wants to know why everything went south so quickly, why they were just stepping over each other's feet so constantly like this was their first week together. He wanted to know why this month was harder than he anticipated. _

_And whatever Cartman wanted, he always gets. _

_The last thought of bitching out left his mind as he let the anger flow in his gut, his scowl deepening. It made Spike flinch a bit. _

_"What the fuck was that?!"_

_Spike's eyes widened a bit, the sudden outburst caught him off guard. He knew Cartman had an extreme anger problem, his mentality screwed and fucked up in every way and angle possible, but this was still pretty unexpected. Even with their first month as a couple is a lot rockier than the two would've hoped for, Cartman's anger dwelled down a bit. _

_He deflated a bit under Cartman's stare, his gaze now on his feet. He never felt more nervous in his life. He raised his gaze towards Cartman's, gulping silently at the fuming golden gaze he got in return. "I don't under-"_

_"You just had a fucking breakdown, and you just expect me to ignore that?!" Kind of..?_

_"No, I didn't, but-"_

_"What the fuck did you expect from me then?!"_

_Spike crossed his arms angrily, his lips forming into his own scowl. He hoped he was as intimidating as his boyfriend was right now. He didn't want to show how terrified he really was._

_"You don't have to yell, y' know?" He snorted in annoyance._

_Cartman's right eye twitched furiously as he raised up from the ground creepily and smoothly, making Spike feel even more terrified than before. He tried to stand his ground, to look unaffected by the sudden appearance of his boyfriend, but he probably looked like a kicked puppy._

_"Well sorry for being worried about you," he snapped through his fangs, his feet still pushing him forward._

_Spike clenched his smaller claws into fists, his breathing staggering a bit as he felt Cartman get closer, so dangerously close. _

_He stayed severely still, any type of defiance he had at any time in his life simply wiped away with that murderous stare. He felt himself back away slowly, his shattering breathing turning into fast pants. He never felt so frightened in his life._

_"_ _E-Eric_ _, I-_ _"_

_"Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!" _

_That exclaim had so much raw emotion, so much hurt, confusion. This month destroyed his already fucked up brain, but he tried his damnedest not to fall deep into his known flaw of blaming others for his mistakes or things he didn't understand._ _ And he thought that, with this wonderful creature beside him, with him, it would be enough to prove himself that he was actually a _ ** _perfect_ ** _ match for him. _

_Cartman knew that he was nowhere near stable or healthy to be around. His old tendencies to just crack up whenever something unfortunate, or fortunate in his case, happens to the ridiculously long list of people he didn't give a fuck about was still a given deep in his core. Hell, if he saw Kyle stuck somewhere around this forest, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold in his cackles or mocking. _

_But... Spike was the opposite of that. He can already imagine the dragon doing everything he could to help that red-headed pest, or, well, anyone in danger. Spike loved to help people. Cartman didn't._

_His ears perked up at the quick gasps from his boyfriend, his back against a tree trunk. How long has it been since he actually said something? He knew Spike was walking backward, but... He already peeped out a few tears behind his eyes._

_...Goddammit._

_Before he could even stop himself, he felt himself let out a rather ferial-like growl. _

_"Do you have to act like a fucking bitch every time I say something to you?!"_

_He was in Spike's face now, his normal golden eyes turning red in an instant. He was so unsteady now; he didn't even sense the acceleration of the dragon's small and delicate heart. _

_Spike felt his legs quiver, his irrational breathing quickening as he continued to stare deep into Cartman's hypnotically maddening eyes. The silence pissed Cartman even more. And right when he thought that he was getting better with being patient. _

_"Are you even going to say anything?" Cartman snapped._

_"Do you even care?" Spike snapped back quietly, the shakiness in his voice not fading in the slightest._

_"Of course I care you dumbass! God! Were you this weak and annoying when you were being a little pussy to your mom?" Cartman mumbled in question._

_He wasn't able to understand what he said until a sharp and tearful gasp escaped the dragon. _

_'Fuck, no, rewind, take it back.' _

_But he couldn't. He couldn't con himself out of this one._

_Before he knew it, the unshed tears were now streaming down Spike's chubby cheeks, and in that one moment, he regretted every single thing he said. _ _Sure, he had said a lot more offensive and disgusting things, but he hardly felt any remorse for his cruel statements. But this? After Spike actually told him about his mother; what she did, what happened to her, why he was acting _ _un_ _-Spike_ _ like for months, and for him to use the minimal amount of trust his boyfriend had towards him, to fire all of that back for his own dignity... was worse than anything he's ever done. To him, at least. _

_Spike fell to his knees as another loud cry escaped him, his claws towards his mouth. He fucking hated this. He was weak without his mother around. She wasn't here to help and support him, to hold and hug him, nothing. She helped with his identity, filling him up with the beauty around them, even if where they were living was really small. Ever since her death, he felt a part of him missing, and that, indeed, made him feel incredibly weak. _

_Cartman was right._

_He continued to sob helplessly, the deafening beating of Spike's heart furthering the brunette's guilt even more. He absolutely loathed the feeling._

_Minutes passed a lot slower than Cartman would've hoped for, but as soon as he heard a _ _sob-like_ _ snore, he knew that Spike had cried himself to sleep. _ _Taking in a sharp breath, Cartman began to walk towards him slowly, actually fearing that if he wasn't careful, Spike would wake up and start crying again. _

_He didn't want that._

_Hovering over him like an intense predator, he scooped the dragon up into his deadly arms, holding him bridal style, feeling that if he held on tight enough, he'll crush the kid's fragile little body. He bit his lip at the thought, keeping his hands to support Spike's back and waist._

_He cringed as Spike stirred a bit in his sleep, his head falling back into Cartman's chest on impulse. He held his lover even tighter, desperately trying to ignore the soft sound of discomfort that the dragon in his arms let out. His fangs began to bite his already swollen cheek as he continued to travel forward into the gloomy forest, fighting the urge to let his pale face be destroyed by the tears he felt rushing through his body._   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I know everyone and their mother wanted to see the second part of Hesitance, but I wanted to try a memory chapter and a present chapter on its own merits. With that being said, the second part of Hesitance will be next! I hope you guys enjoyed this one!


	6. Hesitance (Part Two)

_\---------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Sometimes, in that manipulative, convoluted way of his, Cartman was utterly and evilly content with containing the complete contact of his boyfriend from the dirty and disgusting blonde's family. Sure, he wasn't neatly kept in any manner; he was repeatedly yet rightfully asserted to be immensely and dreadfully vulgar and gross, justifiably crude and filled with a vast amount of terrifying brutality, crowded with such intense mast of savagery and undefinable, revolting greed, especially when it came to food, and, even objects he'd developed a vigorous obsession for. However, because of his highly destructive mannerisms, he was downright deadly nonchalant of the veracious sputters of his hygiene and the way he prepared things for the two of them during Spike's upbringing deeper, deeply into his life. Plus, the dragon didn't seem to mind his acclaimed sickening and uninviting lifestyle, or his messily, cluttered room, so he didn't feed into the buzz about changing his horrific tendencies of cleanliness. _

_With the weeks that have gone by of them living together, meshing and intertwining with one another with so much indescribable passion, fluffiness, and desire oozing from his previously withdrawn heart that could hardly even pump without an ounce of believability towards viability and creation, it seemed like it was the right choice to keep, not only his room the same, but his livelihood as well. Sure, it was somewhat, fuck, extremely deceptive and twisted, even for a cunning psychopath like him, but Spike didn't need to know that. Besides, everything was perfectly fine the way they were. Okay, well, maybe not perfect, but... it was fine. For the most part. _

_As a catastrophic, disastrous vampire, he needed to feed in order to stay, at the very least, stable enough so he wouldn't transform his frustrations, hunger, and ferocious proclivity onto the breathtaking creature that he had wrapped around his claws so rigorously. Yes, a part of him wanted to taste, devour, and savor that captivating flesh, relishing the supposedly delightful blood from his elegant and delicate neck, but he couldn't. He had to keep restraint if he wanted to keep Spike right where he wanted him; alone with him. It wasn't healthy at all. It went against his lover's goody-two-shoes ways of doing things, against all rational thinking; it was possessive, obsessive, but he couldn't find it in his non-existent heart to care. That was just how Cartman was: once he gets what he wants, what he desires most, he would intend to keep whatever he worked immensely to get towards in his tight clutches, doing any ridiculous tactic to keep them in his grasp, preventing them from leaving his side. What he yearns the most was Spike's love and attention, his mere presence, his blinding smile, his sparkling green eyes, every part of him. _

_He had it all. _

_It was indeed tough to control his urges and longings, as feeding from only animals isn't enough to fill his expectations, but he didn't want to hurt Spike. Yes, he was massively clingy and intimidating, mainly towards the people he cares deeply about, absolutely controlling towards people he didn't give a shit about, but he didn't want to do anything to harm him. That was never his intention. It would never be his intention. He loved him too God damn much to not seek into his true self, to disregard "his true potential, and what he had to offer", his mother would preach to him. He had to keep trying. _

_For Spike._  
_\---------------------------------------------------------_  
_Comforting was never his strong suit. Hell, he was thoroughly certain that, even with the overwhelmingly encouraging influence and positive impact of his companion, his procedure of solacing and condolences were shitty. Feelings, in general, were always something he struggled and battled with, the concepts of empathy and sympathy lost in the deeper part of his unfocused psyche as he baselessly vents, well, really lies to himself about how he wasn't strong enough to perceive any of the two concepts. Or, fuck, maybe he wasn't fibbing. Maybe he was just as weak and frail as he felt, especially with fleeing sensations spreading into the dust of hurt and despair._

_The source of the sobs and wails continued from under his chin, from his lap, the sounds causing his ears to fold against his head in uncertainty, a long string of hesitance growing and forming around his brain in different strands, in unconnected pieces of uncertainty. It was outright torture, and he couldn't help the nauseating and bubbling frustration and anger that swept him from his thoughts being completely populated by his doubts of not being the perfect companion he needed to be. He didn't want to get irritated by the weeps and cries that were escaping his boyfriend. He SHOULDN'T get fucking infuriated at his failures of actually being there for the one person he swore he wouldn't hurt, at the way he's neglecting the actual God damn problem of him being so emotionally unstable to actually make someone feel better than what he was capable of emoting, to actually feel and be happy. Achieving that was always a pain the ass for him, as he was considered such an angry and vexed person at a young age. Sometimes, even for the wrong reasons. _

_He sighed in a stressed out huff, his wolf-like ears raising as he felt his vocal cords working on his own accord. He dismissed showcasing his annoyance and exasperation of the situation, shoving them into the back of his throat, saving them for someone unlucky enough to come into contact with him, and it was difficult. He let out another sigh, which was louder than before, earning the attention of Spike who just lifted his head from his chest, tears lightly staining his red sweater that matched the puffiness of the other's eyes accurately. _

_Their eyes locked in one brief moment before Spike lowered them in... guilt? Oh, fuck._

_"I'm sorry. My crying must be so annoying," the younger boy said in such a casual yet tearful way that almost made him growl in anger towards the other, the fury that was built deep within his core blinding him from what was indeed happening in front of him. _

_He was supposed to be comforting Spike, telling him that everything was going to be okay. And, sure, he didn't believe that anything was okay, nor did he expect anything to improve, but he deeply felt that lying to Spike to make him feel better about the situation was miles better than seeing him hurt and mentally wounded because he was being such a shitty boyfriend; and as much as he already accepted that he was a terrible person and even a worse companion, he also understood that he needed to do something about it. His senses were over the place, though. He wanted to shut Spike's declarations of showcasing his sadness to him as a bad thing down, but the only way he knew how to confront anyone was by brutal force. It was upsetting that he was only known to scream and shout whenever he wanted to explain something to anyone instead of actually upholding a conversation with even the people that want to help him through his anger problems like his mom, Butters, and, well, especially Spike. He wanted, strived, to be a lot calmer, but, to no avail. It was distressing, even annoying, but, if he learned anything from being around his angel, he couldn't just sit there on his ass and do nothing while someone he loved so dearly was upset. Again, he was always positive that his efforts would be inexistent, but he couldn't just wither in his own self-loathing. _

_So, with a roll of his eyes, he was able to settle for a compromise. He began to slowly maneuver his hands away from the other boy's sides, slipping them upward towards Spike's cheeks with firm hands. Doing so however made him grasp onto the fact that he could physically cripple this creature with the help of the claws he has detached from his nails once more. It was a horrible realization to boot, especially when he first noticed that he could demolish him like the animal he is and was born to be, but now wasn't the time to put his energy into pressuring himself over him being deadly enough to use one grip to kill; now was the time to help his lover through this very rough time. He sighed roughly, earning a certainly confused gaze from the boy from, not only from his obvious sign of wanted to speak on it but on the exhale that he released. He grasped Spike's face a little tighter before breathing out, "Oh, shut it. Your crying isn't annoying me."_

_Spike did a double-take, Cartman could tell, and he understood why, as he was easily irritated, easily provoked that sometimes, even Spike's actions can cause him to be piqued. But, he can safely say that his crying didn't fill him with any indignation._

_"It's not..?" Spike questioned pitifully, his eyes still glossy and red from all of the crying he's been doing._

_The vampire rolled his eyes again, this time with a more playful route to it. "I'm fucking positive, babe," he snorted. "If it was, I would've said something, don't you think?" _

_At Spike's disapproving frown, _ _Cartman's_ _ eyebrow twitched steadily. God damnit. He shouldn't have said that... "Right?" he still asked in such a stilted way that made him want to slap himself for showing that type of uncertainty in front of Spike._

_"I guess," Spike mumbled quietly as he wrung his claws together nervously. He was avoiding his gaze by any means necessary, Cartman began to see, and normally, at the beginning of their relationship, he would tell, actually TELL Spike that it was fucking weak to avoid his, or anyone else's gaze, that he should always stare others down, despite how messed up you're feeling inside, no matter how insecure you were. _

_"You're not going to get anywhere avoiding something as small as my fucking gaze," he remembers scolding him, judging him. He could fully recollect the hurt in Spike's eyes, even when they wordlessly continued to do their homework together, but separately. At the time, he probably didn't care about the dejection dancing around in his pupils. He most likely didn't. _

_"You-" he started with a small gulp. Only Spike would make him useless to speaking his mind. "You know I didn't mean it like that, right?" _

_"Yeah. Yeah, I know, Eric," Spike murmured smoothly, his lips forming into a weak and tiny smile, wrapping his hands around his, fingers intertwined, squeezing once, then twice. _

_But Cartman wasn't one hundred percent reassured. Hell, he wasn't assured at all. It made him snarl a bit, just a hunch, and it caused Spike to flinch harshly. _

_"Do you really?" _

_"Of course. Why-"_

_A humorless chuckle interrupted him, a lame, feeble grin spreading against his lips, his fangs showing up a bit before running his hands over his messy brown hair. "You don't have to lie to me, babe. You don't."_

_He didn't get a response from his lover at that, and he would usually press onto why, but this time, he didn't. Not when he was just as speechless as Spike was. Not when he was feeling ridiculously futile that it was becoming very strenuous to think, to breathe. 'Where do we even go from here?' he thought to himself in question, his ears, once again, pinning down against his head as he hoped that Spike, his better half, would have something to say, something to add, so he won't end up embarrassing himself, so he won't be forced to let out his bitterness and make things worse, even more, unbearable for him to swallow, to deal with. Unfortunately for him, Spike didn't say a word. And, for a while, he didn't either. They just sat there, in silence, their gazes anywhere but each other, the hushes of the wind being their only source of sound at the moment. Sure, Cartman could hear Spike's frantic heart beating in his chest, basically gather the irrational breathing that would honestly be too faint for anyone without any super-hearing to get, but it didn't ruin the vibe of the soundless atmosphere. _

_The silence went on for a while longer before Cartman decided to break it shamelessly, sliding his hands back towards Spike's face, not even bothering to remove his claws this time. He caught the wince he got in favor of that, but he didn't retract them. In fact, he just grasped onto those reddening cheeks, which were probably from the discouragement, just a little tighter before slowly placing his head against Spike's dejectedly and wordlessly, tears threatening to escape from behind his eyes. _

_"What's wrong with us? What's wrong with me?" Cartman whimpered in question, mostly to himself more than Spike, fangs lowering down on his bottom lip. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" _

_"Nothing, Eric," Spike replied solemnly, his own claws gripping onto the brunette's hands, his own tears actually escaping his eyes. He let out a shaky breath before adding, "We're okay. You're okay," as he let out a wobbly chuckle. "We're both okay. Everything's fine."_

_"Stop fucking lying!" Cartman exclaimed tearfully, making Spike recoil in surprise. "Nothing is fine! Nothing will ever be fine! You're going through shit about your mother, I'm too much of an atrocious person to actually help you! We're both god damn messes!" he screeched, feeling a shiver run through his partner's hands as he yelled. He let out a tangled breath, large balls of sweat running through his forehead. _

_"_ _Th_ _-That's not true," the other stammered pathetically in a thick voice, as he tried his hardest to let out a smile. He was still being optimistic; for Cartman. _

_It made him sick. _

_"How is it not true?" he scoffed towards him with a small glare as he used his strength to remove Spike's hands roughly. "I'm supposed to be making you feel better. Helping you. Comforting you. And we can barely keep a conversation," he reminded sharply. His right ear fell flat at the slight hitch of Spike's breathing, and he sighed, using his elbow to wipe off the tears that he was holding in before they even got to this point. "But this was supposed to be about you," he told himself, his dark, golden eyes moving everywhere else but Spike's for a long moment._

_Spike's hands trembled worriedly as he slipped his hands through _ _Cartman's_ _ soft but messy hair, the vampire's gaze tearing into his piercingly after what seemed like forever. He gave him another puny smile, one that made Cartman see red because damnit, this wasn't exactly the time for Spike to be grinning from ear to ear, like they weren't just talking about Spike's deceased mother, like he wasn't crying about it, like Cartman didn't just make this about himself, as always, by giving himself pity by being such a horrendous person and boyfriend. _

_"Don't beat yourself about it, Eric," Spike said anyway, his grin growing wider and wider, and shit, it was the most precious thing he's ever seen. _

_Too bad he didn't have the time or energy to adore his smile. _

_He let out another tiny whimper, a weak sound he was hoping Spike didn't hear, ears flattening down as he leaned towards the other boy, his rough lips just barely touching the other's more delicate ones as he whispered, "I have to beat myself up over everything I do; from every cruel thing I've done, and will do." He gave him a gentle kiss on the lips then, his nerves going exceedingly haywire as their closeness became a necessity. _

_Despite achieving the overwhelming yet sweet intimacy of being together with Spike, Cartman didn't, nor will he ever, believe that he will improve as a person for this hellhole of a place to live, to survive as distasteful beings, or for his love for Spike. He felt that inevitably, he would proceed to be the disgusting nightmare that the entities around him would either hate with such a fierce and burning passion; fear with such an incredible amount of unrecognizable tremble of stuttering words that makes him shift between a progressive amount of superiority, or fade away in burdensome guilt. And, he perceives that, if he identified with any type of triumph when it comes to the fear of others, then he hasn't improved in the slightest. Not in the tiniest bit._

_His eyes narrowed in fury, not at anyone but himself, causing Spike to frown in dejection as he raised a hesitant hand to wrap around the brunette's tense shoulder. The brief and sudden contact made _ _Cartman's_ _ body even more rigid than it already was. It took him a while before he turned his head towards his boyfriend, his tears threatened to spill for the second time that night. _

_"What?" He groaned roughly, his voice thicker than he intended it to be. Yes, he knew that it was because he was seconds away from letting his guard down, again, that he was going to shamefully shatter at any moment, but he could feel it in his veins that he won't be able to stop himself. He won't be able to put on such a mean streak, such an unbreakable mask that revealed such a cold and vicious creature that he trained to be untamed to avoid getting hurt. Despite learning over and over again that it wasn't such a wise tactic, the disguise he wore to hide his pain was still there. _

_But, not anymore._

_It didn't take long before he was wrapped into a tight but understanding hug, fingers desperately tugging at his brown hair steadily as a way of comfort, of showing the vampire that he wasn't alone. _

_"It's okay, Eric," he heard Spike whisper in such a faded and delicate voice that he almost didn't recognize him, the usual chipper tone that would normally escape his lover's throat thoroughly gone. "You're not weak. Not at all. You're the strongest person I know," he continued, his nails clinging onto the nape of the other's neck with such a caring amount of force._

_The vampire's gaze drifted onto Spike's, his fangs resting onto his bottom lip as he tried to muffle the murmurs and sobs that were desperately trying to make their way into the silent but uncomfortably stuffy room. _

_Spike began to pull away a bit then, which caused Cartman to chase after him in a blur, a faint whine departing from his vocal cords at the mere thought of the proximity dimming for even a little bit, at Spike leaving him. He winced at the needy noise he made, the implications it held, the statement that his one and only had the nerve to say so confidently about him being the strongest person he knew. _

_'Pathetic,' he couldn't help but think. Because that's what he was. Pathetic._

_Spike, while not the best when it comes to physical strength, held a firm grip on _ _Cartman's_ _ forearms. Cartman could easily push him off, or worse, if he really wanted to. But, he didn't. So, he let himself be dragged until they were only a few inches apart until they can view every single feature from the other until their lips were only a gasp away. He waited with bated breath as he tried to figure out what Spike was going to do, and in the state, he was in, it was difficult. _

_Being Spike's former one-sided enemy, then his best friend, and now his boyfriend, Cartman came to realize that Spike was mainly predictable with almost everything he does. He isn't that hard to read nor figure out, as he wore his tender heart on a sleeve; it made him more obvious on whatever he was trying to say or accomplish. But this? He can't put his finger on what was going to happen next, especially since he's only a few minutes away from crumbling in front of him._

_Unexpectedly, Spike drew in even closer towards him, prepping him with tiny but effective pecks on his face, his fingers tightening on his arms and the sleeves of his sweater in a millisecond. It caused him to let out a breathy sigh of contentment, the feeling of being so viciously loved shoving down his already broken stubbornness that would've generally slipped out by now. He began to shake viciously as Spike continued to comfort him, love him, like he was someone or something worthy of such a concept. He knew in his nonexistent heart that he wasn't, but apparently, to Spike, that wasn't the case._

_Sighing brokenly, he shifted a bit uncomfortably as he continued to be manhandled in the sweetest way possible. Suddenly, Spike's breath was in his wolf ears, which were god damn sensitive, his next exhale making them twitch in such a way that made his whole body shudder; until his waist was then covered with Spike's legs. That's when his body instantly froze. The warmth and intimacy made his stomach flip in such a way that left him breathless and bewildered, his claws clenching over nothing but his own hands, his breathing going at a faster rate than he didn't know was possible, his chest heaving stiffly as he began a needless to say, a little comforting rocking session beginning to form between their bodies, and it was the most beautiful thing he ever experienced. It was like he was being rocked to sleep, to forget everything that's been beating him up for his entire mistake of existence, and damnit, was it the most calming thing. _

_"Eric..." he breathed out swiftly, his weirdly soothing breath hitting his ears once more in a subdued way, his fingers now making it's way back to messy strands of brown hair. _

_"_ _Sp_ _-Spike, I-I..." He muttered with a sorrowful stutter, the breath in his ears making him shutter again, his eyes squeezing shut as Spike continued to rock him comfortably._

_"Let your mask down for me, Eric," Spike interrupted with a slight smile, his rocking getting noticeably slower as _ _Cartman's_ _ breathing began to quicken in panic._

_"But-" he heaved slightly, pathetically, earning a head shake from him. _

_Spike's hands ran through _ _Cartman's_ _ hair before sliding onto his face, like what the brunette did before, to his neck, chest, stomach, and waist, all in one go. He squeezed his waist then with both his hands and legs, earning a quickening breath from the broken vampire. _

_As his eyes became glossy, Spike finally whispered, "Do it for me. I know you can," before stopping the rocking motion for a bit to kiss him on the lips, his ears, cheeks, then back to his lips in a simple but very effective manner. He gave him another hug as he started to rock him again, causing a shift in the older boy's breathing to be heard in the silent room. It was becoming even harder to breathe, but what sells it was when Spike said, "You have nothing to prove to me, Eric. Nothing. Just let go. If not for me, then for yourself." _

_Weeping softly, tears began to finally fall from _ _Cartman's_ _ eyes as he let out a harsh cry, his wails loud enough to actually echo the room loudly, but Spike didn't seem to mind. In fact, the other kissed the brunette on the forehead in an encouraging way, silently saying, 'Just keep going. Let it all out. It's just us here.' And, with that in mind, he continued to cry helplessly as he was being hugged and rocked comfortingly into the dark, his brain going blank for a moment, just a moment, to let out his emotions. _

_Forever it might've taken, but after a long while, Cartman sniffled tearfully, as he was certain that all of his tears, for now, were used up. He used his elbow to wipe under his bags, watching with slight wonder as he saw a sleeping Spike still wrapped around his torso. He sighed gently, placing his forehead onto the other boy's before whispering, "I really didn't deserve that, all of that comfort you gave me..." He started in a strained voice. "But, I needed it. I need you." His lips were now on his neck as he whispered, "Thank you. For... everything," before looking out the window to only see his disheveled expression and the grayness ou__tside__. _  
_\--------------------------------------------------------- _  
Cartman was furious. Actually, no. That wasn't enough to describe, to convey, what he was feeling at that moment. He wasn't just a bit angry, nor just a little irritated. No. He was fucking pissed; livid, even. It wasn't a foreign notion that the vampire would feel and express his bitterness and vexation to any circumstance possible, even in situations that didn't require such hostility or outrage in the substantial town of South Park. And, to the untrained eye of this predicament, he was being unnecessarily enraged for no reason at all. After all, he should be the most optimistic today, as he was finally known to be a high school graduate.

While the aspect of high school and the normal way of reacting to finishing something that was commonly difficult for people to complete, it wasn't inevitably important to how he functions, and everyone knew that. However, because the whole concept of school just shifts Cartman the wrong way, the people around him would've expected him to be jumping off the walls in excitement, cursing the students and teachers that supposedly, "gave him Hell", obtaining foul language to affirm his years of expressed frustrations; the thought of never being able to spend another day in a humid and suffocating classroom supporting his radiating happiness to not be forced to see the people he hated the most.

Verily, it was anticipated that Cartman would've made a whole documentary on how much high school put him through so much shit, making personal notes of everyone that pissed him off since elementary school; and PC Principle would've allowed it, considering that it was on the lines of "letting out personal struggles when needed." That or the brunette could've easily lied about the context of what was expected to be done. And, unknown to everyone that even waited for Cartman to make some sort of exaggerated, inappropriate speech at the graduation, he didn't even plan on doing so. Not because he was beginning to care about the people he claimed he hated, but because he didn't see a point in doing so regarding his mood. Plus, he could only imagine Spike's reaction to him doing something so crappy and selfish after everything they've been through. But, he wasn't surprised onto hearing Wendy, Bebe, and the other girls chatting before the ceremony, learning about the short-lived rumor on what Cartman would say on the supposed documentary on his entire life attending school, about the people he would've outed as a "pain in the ass to deal with", exposing their secrets because he's a sociopath. Hell, it was even said, even for just a speck, that Spike would've been one of the victims, despite the whole school being aware of their relationship.

"_Spike outta be right after you, Bebe," Red snorted exaggeratedly, using her pointer finger to address the blonde who then frowns because of the thought of being called out in front of the whole school, during graduation, without even knowing what she would've been called out for. _

_"Do you really think he'll do that to Spike?" Bebe questioned in a soft voice, the impression of, not only being one of __Cartman's_ _pushovers for him to make fun of later but to do that to the one person he claimed to love, making her even more upset. _

_It must've been obvious because all of the other girls began to grimace as well. It took a while before Wendy began to walk towards her with her left arm stretched out as she gave the saddened girl a short side hug. "Bebe, you're the nicest person we know. If that asshole is going to go down on what he thinks is wrong with you, which is nothing, then there's a hundred percent chance that he would do it to Spike as well," Wendy explained, a scowl drawn on her face with the thought of the brunette betraying his boyfriend for attention. _

_"What do you think he'll say?" Bebe asked with a questioning glance at the other girls, her hands being brought to her chest as a sign of self-protection of racing thoughts. _

_Red rolled her eyes, annoyed, not at Bebe, but Cartman, folding her arms as she scoffed. "He'll probably admit that he was using Spike all this time," the redhead sneered bitterly. _

_"Or that he forced Spike against his will because he's a psychopath," Nelly added as she placed her hands on her hips. _

_"Doesn't the whole school already know that?" Nichole asked curiously as she joined in with Wendy to comfort Bebe. _

_Nelly just shook her head roughly, the pigtails from her elementary school days completely gone. "Mostly, but not everyone. Hell, I heard Kenny saying that their relationship was genuine," she informed with a roll of her eyes before mumbling, "Fucking dumbass," under her breath. _

_"Hey, don't blame him!" Kelly chimed in with an exaggerated and animated glare. "He's just nice like that to believe in even _ _fuckups_ _ like Cartman," she said, a noticeable blush rushing to her cheeks causing the other girls to laugh. _

_"You're just saying that because you still like him!" Heidi exclaimed playfully, her first response in a while. Hearing all of this talk about Cartman made her unusually quiet, as she was one of the most talkative people in school, but now that they were far from that topic, she can actually speak. (Cartman could tell)._

_"_ _Psh_ _, do not!" The dirty blonde sighed with an even redder flush on her face, but she began to laugh with the other girls after a while. It was almost like they weren't graduating at all, and they were still in elementary school. It was such a nice change of pace. _

_But, for Cartman, it was straight up agony. _

Of course, he didn't expect much from the girls to spread that around each other shamelessly. To him, they were bitches, and they were bitches for a reason. Sure, he deserved to have this type of rumor going around between girls who still act like they are in fourth grade for whatever reason, but to bring Spike into was even too far for him. He dedicated everything for him, and damnit, he will continue to.

When he heard about their little rumor, he wanted to kill every single one of them. He wanted to see the light disappear from their undeserving eyes, the blood that would previously be inside their veins transfer to their heads, their bodies, their clothes, everywhere it could reach. They weren't important. They will never be important. But, again, something, or rather, someone, stopped him from bringing his desire to fulfillment.

Imagining the horrific expression Spike would've made at the graphic and fairly disgusting display, the small and weak "Eric..?" he would've let out, the long yet powerful and tearful speech he would've made on how he shouldn't have done what he craved to, was the only thing stopping him from sucking their blood and killing them. As horrible as it sounds, it was the truth, and there was nothing he could do about it. While he couldn't do what he wanted to most, he wished there was a way he could've rubbed in their face about how they were wrong, that they were completely stupid to believe that he had the time and energy to do something like that, especially to Spike. It was petty, yes, but he honestly could care less at this point.

He continued to stare blankly in front of him, silently waiting with Kenny, Stan, and Kyle for Spike to show up so they could get this road trip done and out of the way so he and Spike could head home. After all, he planned this day just for them a long time ago, and he didn't want to waste all of his time being stuck in a fucking beat-up truck that just screams Kenny McCormick.

"So..." Kenny droned out playfully, his smile and hands being hidden in his orange parka, his graduation gown, and cap discarded on the ground. "School is finally over for us, huh?"

Cartman groaned in resentment at that. Leave it to Kenny to make an awkward moment more awkward. "Stop trying to make conversation, poor boy," he mumbled in a grating voice, which caused the blonde to gasp in exaggeration.

"Road trips are ALL about the conversation!" Kenny exclaimed. "Road trips with no conversation at all is SO BORING," He whined in dramatization, dragging his arms down to wave them around.

"Road trips are boring in general, dude," Stan said as he pinched the bridge of his nose, peeking through his fingers to see Kenny shake his head and tutting him.

"You clearly haven't been on a Kenny McCormick road trip," he accused in a matter-of-fact tone, his hands now being on his hips to display his disappointment in Stan.

"No one wants to be on a Kenny McCormick road trip," Cartman deadpanned.

"Aw, you're just saying that," Kenny said while rolling his hazel eyes.

"Not really," the brunette rebutted with an uninterested look. "I'm going because Spike's going, who is afraid to say what he really thinks to your face," he started as he then pointed towards Stan, "Stan's going because he has nothing better to do," which caused the raven-haired boy to narrow his eyes at him, which he ignored to point towards Kyle, "he's going because he's a Jew."

"Wow. Real mature," Kyle scowled angrily, his hands being clenched into fists.

"Good job answering me, Kahl. You're just as mature as I am," Cartman chuckled, which caused the redhead to growl loudly in fury. It led him to smirk. He's still easy to anger.

"Don't you ever shut the fuck up, you asshole?!" Kyle screeched, stumping over to the brunette in complete savagery, huffing in Cartman's face as his patience dimmed and dimmed with every step.

"Now, where's the fun in that?" the other replied causally, which brought Kyle to grab onto him, only to shake him a bit in pure insanity.

"You're... just... so-!"

"So, what?" He asked with a smug.

Kyle just shouted incoherently, dropping the vampire onto the ground as he stormed off, completely heated. 

"Was that really necessary? You know he would've got angry pretty quickly, dude," Stan asked him with a frown, obviously upset. 

Cartman just shrugged it off, as he really didn't give a shit about upsetting Kyle nor Stan. After all, they were not his priority. 

"Hey, guys!" 

A sudden joyful voice caused him, Kenny, and Stan to turn his head towards the call, a cheerful Spike running towards them quickly in their view. He stumbled a bit as he ran, but he chuckled all the same anyway, and it made the brunette freeze his thoughts as soon as he brought the three of them into a tight hug, the squeal he let out, and, of course, at the weirdly bright demeanor. He knew, Spike is, or was, an upbeat person to the core, especially when it came to interacting with others, always filled with jokes, memorizing laughter, and foolishly loving hugs that would make anyone feel adored and cherished. After all, every time he would feel Spike's body against his own in such an affectionate and attentive embrace, listening to the sweet nothings he would whisper into his ear, the way he wouldn't give up on such a horrendous mistake that is Eric Cartman, staying dedicated and devoted to him, always made him feel like he was the most precious thing he'd ever witnessed when in reality, he wasn't.

He always knew that Spike was intensely hyperactive, incredibly charming and pure, disgustingly wholesome to the point that he would make anyone smile; he was just a delight all together. But, what has him disoriented was the fact that, for the past year, Spike wasn't the same Spike that he grew up with almost all of his life. He wasn't the lighthearted, bubbly creature he was known to be during that time. He was more depressed, entirely miserable over the death of his mother, and every single disastrous thing he went through with his relationship with the brunette. It was forever since he felt Spike's body pressed against his that wasn't painful for him to encounter. It was an endless quantity of time to where he and Spike even cuddled sweetly together, that wasn't felt with pity. So, seeing him hug him and the others in such a fond way that didn't detract any sorrow or grief in any way was a surprise to him.

"We did it, you guys!" Spike finally declared in a fiercely optimistic and positive tone, moving away from the others to lift his fist into the air. "We finally graduated!"

"Aw, Hell yeah we did!" Kenny agreed with a whoop. "Say," he began with a smirk, "since you're here, we can finally get our road trip started!" He walked towards his, well, very beat-up and messy truck. "Get in you guys," he cheerfully demanded before yelling, "Hey, Kyle! Spike made it! Get in before we leave without ya!"

"That would be lovely, actually," Kyle ridiculed as he returned in less than a millisecond, only to climb into Kenny's truck and slam the door behind him.

"He must be still pissed," Kenny joked a bit before giving the others an impatient look. "Come on, you guys!" He rushed as he ran towards his truck, sitting by a very agitated Kyle, who was in the passenger seat.

Stan facepalmed to himself, grumbling nonsense as he walked into the truck as well.

Spike just smiled even brighter, grabbing onto Cartman's hand excitingly, like he actually wanted to go on this road trip, which was a complete contrast, and pulled him into the truck. And, in the corner of his eye, he saw the girls all together, looking at the two of them, surprised, probably still shocked that he didn't go out and talk shit about his own boyfriend in front of the entire school, on graduation day. Maybe he should give them the benefit of the doubt, as he was indeed a terrible person, but, he didn't. In fact, while Spike wasn't looking, he gave them a gigantic smirk as he gripped the other boy's hand tightly, and it felt fucking cathartic. Sure, he needed to talk about his lover's change of attitude, but for now, he can feel satisfied that he probably angered a bunch of girls in one second.

Fuck, was he terrible.

\------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> Should this be the end of the "Dawn" multi-parter(s), and start back from a different standpoint? Please let me know if I should let this chapter stay as it is.


End file.
